Wednesday, July 9, 2008


I don't know why God has taken me back to this spot today during prayer. But He did.

There was a time when Clint and I were REALLY running from God full speed ahead. There was no peace. We went through the motions of being married...being parents.....being Christians.....

I remember for a few months all I could do is cry. My heart was heavy and I had no idea WHAT could fix it. I've always wanted to "fix" everything and everyone--you get the picture.

I am ashamed to say that I lived in a very "zombie-like" state for weeks. I would cry constantly. I would do the bare necessities to taking care of my family. Sometimes to the point of neglect.

I remember one day I was so mad at God. All I needed was an answer to "How do I fix this?!"

I went to my bedroom because I didn't want to completely crumble in front of my boys. I locked the door and just sobbed. This presence came into my room and although I was crying--there was a peace. God spoke to me clearer than I have ever heard before. He said when your relationship with your husband isn't "right" you will do whatever it takes to fix it. Why don't you feel that way about your relationship with Me?

God was just trying to get me to fully commit to Him.

A few days later I broke when my pastor asked how Clint was. (He hadnt went to church with us that morning.) All I could mutter between tears and sobs was "Pray for us"

It seemed the whole world was against me. But then I thought back to what God had spoke to me. I decided then that no matter what happened to my marriage---I had to live for God. With or without my husband. That really hurts when you love someone so much that you are willing to move on without them. Its certainly not what I wanted to do. I knew God wasn't asking that of me at that time--but I just needed to be more commited to "my first love" than my husband.

Anyway. I wish I could say things instantly got better. It didn't. It got a whole lot worse. But God broke us. God stripped us of our pride in that time. He brought us to a point where we HAD to make some life altering choices.

We worked on us. We worked on ourselves as indivduals and as a couple.

I can say I have never been happier in my marriage.

So my point in posting this.....I think God is wanting more from us in our relationship with Him. He is wanting to take us to another level--but to get us there we need "refined"

Its gonna take work. Possibly some tears. But in the end--It will be worth it.

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